My Bipolar Journey

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  • The beginning of my journey

    I just didn’t feel right. My knowledge of bipolar disorder was limited. But it all started with a depression. I visited my family doctor and after having me fill out a Beck Depression Inventory test, he informed me that I was in a clinical depression. I was prescribed Paxil and was told that it should take effect within a 4 – 6 week period. Approximately 50% to 60% of people with major depressive disorder experience a significant improvement after after taking an anti depressant. While anti depressants are effective, they are not a guaranteed solution, and many people require several attempts to find the right medication.

    A depression can be best described as a black cloud hanging over your head. You can’t derive any happiness or joy whatsoever, even with the things that used to put a smile on your face. The two key factors to be considered are sleeping and eating. You will either overeat or conversely eat hardly anything. I remember one day trying to eat a grilled cheese sandwich, and although I have a big appetite, I could hardly eat half. Luckily, I was given a month off from work as it became very challenging to actually get out of bed and take a shower. It was also difficult to interact with my kids as I just wanted to be alone. Fortunately, the Paxil started to work but it worked too well and pushed me into a manic state.

    Once you are in a manic state, it becomes increasingly difficult to handle. The best description of mania comes from my lawyer, when you’re manic, you don’t know the difference between right and wrong. Manic symptoms include a distinct period of abnormally elevated, euphoric, or irritable mood combined with excessive energy. Key indicators include significantly decreased need for sleep, rapid speech, racing thoughts, extreme impulsively, grandiosity, and risky behaviors. Mania feels amazing but is very dangerous. In my case, it ruined relationships, landed me in jail for 3 weeks and the psychiatric ward of a hospital for 4 months. Luckily, there is a medication that can help. Lithium. More to come about my many manic episodes in future blogs.

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  • Its ok to give up

    After spending 4 months in the psychiatric ward of the Valleyfield hospital, I was released and was able to rent a room at the home of a friend. After a lengthy manic episode in the summer and fall of 2023, I crashed due to the fact that if you are in a manic phase for a lengthy period of time, you will ultimately crash. And that crash is depression and it can last for lengthy periods of time. So when I was released, I knew that I was in a depression. It’s a scary feeling because you do not know if you will be able to pull out. As a matter of fact, one depression lasted for 3 years. My manic episode basically ruined my life. I lost family, friends, my dream job on the radio and I had just sold my condo, so I was essentially homeless. I never, in a million years, thought that my life would fall apart at the age of 65. When you are 65, that is the time when you should be relaxing and enjoying the fruits of your labor.

    Lets get back to the concept of giving up. It is ok to give up on the things that no longer serve you, such as toxic situations, unrealistic goals, or paths that make you truly unhappy. This can be a strategic, healthy decision for your well being. Giving up is not always failure, it can be a way of reclaiming your power, re-evaluating your priorities, and freeing up resources for better opportunities. One of the times that I gave up recently was after three attempts at creating opportunities thst would give me something to do of value. The first attempt was with a radio station as Director of Sales, but that failed because the owner would only pay commission. The second was an attempt to create a mental health support group. Despite my best efforts, it never got off the ground. And the third was creating a sales and marketing consultancy. Unfortunately that failed and the guy who wrote a book on sales couldn’t close any deals.

    So I gave up. And when you give up, the anxiety disappears and so do the expectations. And magically, within a few weeks, several opportunities presented themselves. First, two new on air radio hosting became a possibility again, one is confirmed at CJMQ in Sherbrooke on Sundays from 7pm-9pm, and one is to be discussed. Second, I will be using my marketing knowledge to help WIAIH ( West Island Association for the Intellectually Handicapped). And third, my new blog which gives me an opportunity to share my story which is both cathartic and hopefully will help others. I was lucky that my family and friends didn’t abandon me. And I was also lucky to have a tremendous group of health care workers from psychiatrists to psychologists to social workers, and nurses. My life is not perfect, but it’s a lot better than it was a couple of years ago.